Finally, after a long period of agonising indecision that held literally nobody enthralled, John Bolton, former Bushie and sub-neo-con, has taken my advice and decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to enter next year's World Chess Championship.
Lest you think I am being too flippant about this momentous development, I would you ask everyone to take a moment to consider its impact on the moustachioed community. An enterprising journalist from Yahoo News called Chris Moody has asked Rick Perlut from the American Mustache Institute - which works to protect "the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached Americans by promoting the growth, care, and culture of the mustache" - about Bolton's announcement:
PERLUT: As there has not been a major party Mustached American presidential candidate since Thomas E. Dewey in 1948, clearly, the Mustached American community is hungry to see one of our own in the Oval Office. Mr. Bolton's decision to decline candidacy was unfortunate, but we hope there are other young Mustached Americans out there with the dreams of leading our great nation sometime in the near future.
Would his candidacy have been a step forward for mustache advocates?
PERLUT: Bolton's candidacy would have been a boost to the Mustached American community without question. The last Mustached American President of the United States was William Howard Taft. So indeed, it's been a long time coming and there has been reticence amongst our people to take that leap. That being said, we are hopeful Michelle Bachmann's bleached upper lip gets some attention.